I'm here to tell you that no matter what THIS idiot says:

You fuckwits playing THIS:

Are NOT GAMERS!

"But wait," Mr. Idiot says, "what is a gamer if not someone who plays games?"
(ironically, this is the same moron who asks "what's the definition of a hipster" while at the same time giving "gamer" a meaning! Good job you fucking clown!)

If you're just going to use the term "gamer" to generically describe someone who plays games then isn't every kid (and fucking hipster pseudo-adult) that plays a game of tag a gamer? Doesn't that mean that anyone who plays a video game is a gamer?

NO! NO IT DOES FUCKING NOT!

Your typical game of Angry Birds goes something like this:

This isn't a game. This is gambling. Gambling isn't "a game of chance" either - that's the fucking excuse gambling addicts use to justify wasting their daughters trust fund on an all-night bender in Las Vegas. Your entire "game" relies on chance. Games, by any traditional definition, don't rely on chance - there is an element of skill, problem solving, and memorization involved ... and Angry Birds relies on none of those.

To demonstrate this, I've provided a professional, handy chart for reference:

See? I'm fucking great at making a point.

Being called a gamer and calling yourself a gamer is a matter of goddamn pride. We've dedicated our lives to this shit, and look where it's gotten us: 20-something chicks calling themselves gamers because they have an iPad and play Angry Birds on it on their ride to work.

If you're one of these Angry Bird playing, tablet loving, hipster fucking rejects:

Then calling yourself a gamer makes about as much sense as going to the movies and calling yourself a goddamn movie connoisseur. Just because you've watched Inception and Batman doesn't mean you're a qualified fucking movie buff. Shit, your retarded little minds probably couldn't sit through Citizen Kane anyway. Black and White? What's that nonsense all about?

Manos, the Hands of Fate? I saw that on MST3K! I watched Godzilla and Puma Man on there too! I'm a fucking movie critic! Look at me I think I'll go make a shitty Internet video review series now! Go me! I'm talented and special!

Just because you play Farmville and Angry Birds doesn't mean you're a goddamn gamer, either.

Oooh! Look at me! I can play Fruit Ninja! I killed a bunch of zombies by rapidly tapping a screen! I'm so fucking amazing! Look at me I beat my own high score!

No, you fucking assholes, just because you're about as smart as a fucking chimp - who can also figure out that if you touch a touch-screen, shit happens - doesn't make you a gamer. Your unique ability to not drool all over your over-priced, over-hyped piece of shit toy doesn't make you special: it just means you've got the ability to suck down your saliva.

Being a gamer means being dedicated to the art of video games. It means dedicating an ungodly portion of your life to Mountain Dew, Bawls, or whatever the trendy fucking gamer juice is today. It means spending hours upon hours mastering the intricate mechanics of a game, only to realize you fucked up and left your girlfriend waiting at her house. Being a gamer means following the industry and fucking loving every second of it. Being a gamer doesn't mean picking up Angry Birds when you've got time to kill because you're fucking bored. That's not gaming, that's killing fucking time!

Look, there's a reason this shit pisses me off. Do you fucking see this game?

This is Nethack and it will rape you to death.

I've played this game. This is a game that 99% of all gamers would look at, turn the fuck around, and go back to jerking off to the latest Mass Effect sex scene. Do you know why I play this game? It's fucking difficult, that's why. Games can be easy, difficult, hard, frustrating, maddening, or insane. Nethack goes a step further - it's masochistic.

To beat this game you need something that's called foresight - the ability to think beyond what you're going to eat for dinner. You need planning, preparation, and some luck. Playing Nethack is like being determined to live out in the Canadian wilderness for the rest of your life: unless you know what you're doing, you're fucked.

Angry Birds is like trying to survive in the suburban wilds - go off in a random direction and you're bound to hit a fucking 7-11 eventually.

Shit, do you know how to make a fauxgamer's head explode? Force them to play Dwarf Fortress.

Dwarf Fortress isn't fucking around.

The point of this game is to lead an expedition of Dwarves into a mountain, carve out your own mine, and ... well, the goal is to see how long you can survive. The game is hectic, and if you somehow manage to get past the archaic control system, the dwarves are probably going to get pissed off at the miasma and start murdering each other in a typical death spiral.

This is also known as "having fun."

No, you read that right: having fun in this game is seeing how long you can play before you fucking die. You can't win. There is no win condition. You're going to die, it's just a matter of how long can you stave it off before the dwarves go insane and start murdering the fuck out of each other.

As opposed to Angry Birds, whose only concept of having fun is to stare blankly at the screen while the pretty colors entrance you for 10 minutes.

The Keys to Maramon.
Not as brain dead as Final Fantasy XIII

Fuck, this game is simple shit compared to Nethack or Dwarf Fortress! You use the numpad to move. You kill shit at night and in the five towers. Buy stuff in the shops. If you don't kill the monsters various shops close down because of damage, and you're basically fucked.

Maramon is a complex wine compared to the fucking glass of water Angry Birds is. You've got to carefully balance between killing monsters and buying the right equipment each night before you venture into the towers. Hell, compared to the hack and slash fests that the modern RPG has become, this game is fucking string theory.

Of course there's Farmville.


Cancer, as seen under a microscope.

In Farmville you ... I don't know what you do. You sit around and wait for crops to grow. They grow faster if you pay Zynga money. Sometimes a friend on Facebook will play with you - but you don't see them on your screen, and their actions are entirely inconsequential to your own. So it's multiplayer, but only if you have some dumbass friends that play Farmville, and you don't mind not actually interacting with people.

It's a multiplayer game ... in the same vein that hiring a bunch of Mexicans to come mow your lawn is the same as mowing it yourself.

It's a fucking disgrace to call Farmville a game, let alone a multiplayer game. Here's a real multiplayer game, you fucking toads:


You assholes better learn how to read.
Good luck solving some of those riddles!

The Shadow of Yserbius.

This fucking game - along with NWN (go figure that acronym out on your own you fucking tabletards) - pioneered the MMO. This game had it all - central town, guilds, clans, quests, randomly generated items, a huge boss at the end - and it didn't even use the Internet! Bitch, you had to be signed on to The Sierra Network to play this hot shit.

That doesn't even begin to describe the dedication you had to have in order to play this game. Fuck no. You had to know Modem Strings. I'm so dedicated that I still remember the fucking AT strings I had to send to my old IBM 2400 baud modem to get connected:

AT&FE1Q0V1X4&C1&D2
ATWDT7185776866

BAM! There you go motherfucker - the AT codes for initializing and dialing out on a 2400 baud modem.

Shit, I even managed to remember the phone number of the modem bank I dialed into! Fuck yes. I'm awesome.

That's dedication. That's the kind of shit it takes to be called a gamer. Sure, my examples are old, but other real gamers out there have their own stories of dedication.

What's the Angry Birds story of dedication?

"I spilled my FrappaLatteChinoDoubleShotMochaFlipFlop and caused the red bird to bounce on the ground!"

How dreadful - and you STILL managed to beat the level?

The only thing someone playing Farmville, or Cityville, or Angry Birds, or any of these low-cost, sub-standard pieces of shit that pretentious assholes like Chris Pirillo call games is dedicated to is taking out Daddy's credit card (because Mommy's too fucking irresponsible to have one) and paying for another shitty 99 cent waste of time.

Fuck you.
You're not a gamer.

Mr. Idiot, your fucking god, is good at one thing:

Just replace that microphone with Mark Zuckerbergs dick.